If you can't say it in one line, she can't repeat it to her friend, and she is never going to buy something she can't explain to herself. Type yours the way you say it now. Two minutes later you'll have one that works.
FreeWhy this exists
Not one led with what the buyer gets. I rewrote all 22 by hand in the comments, which is the same correction given 22 times in one weekend. So here it is as a tool. It runs on simple rules inside this page. Nothing you type leaves your screen.
Don't polish it. Paste your shop bio, your link in bio or the first line of your sales page, exactly as it's live.
Format, price and bonus list go underneath. Underneath is not nowhere. It's just not first.
The four checks, running live
Before
After
Now put this exact sentence in three places: your shop bio, your link in bio, and the first line of your sales page. Same sentence in all three.
Your new sentence, checked
The sentence describes the box: the length, the format, the price. Nobody wants a 60-minute session. She wants what she feels like when it's over.
Before“The $147 Bookkeeping Clarity Session is a personalized 60-minute session for women in business who are tired of guessing about their numbers…”
After“In 60 minutes you'll stop guessing about your numbers and leave with a plan you can actually follow.”
Your offer has one genuinely surprising thing in it, and it's sitting at the back of the sentence. Say the surprising part first, explain it second.
Before“I create Hollywood-level professional headshots remotely from anywhere in the world, personally directing and capturing your images using your smartphone.”
After“I direct you through your own phone camera and you walk away with headshots that look like a studio shoot.”
Hooks, captions, hashtags, bonuses. A list tells her what she's buying. It never tells her what she gets to stop doing.
Before“I created a 1,000 Quote App with photo prompt, hooks, captions, and hashtags. Your all-in-one app for a quote page.”
After“Never sit down to write a quote post again, your whole month is already written.”
Knowing exactly who she is is the hard part, and you've done it. Now say what she gets, then say how fast.
Before“Printable solutions for overwhelmed nurse moms.”
After“I help overwhelmed nurse moms get their week back with printables they can use tonight.”
“I created,” “I offer,” “I take.” The first words are about you, so she has to wait to find out what's in it for her. Cut it. Start where she is.
Before“I created [brand] for women who want to turn ordinary Halloween content into bold, luxurious, scroll-stopping visuals without spending hours figuring out what to create.”
After“Turn your Halloween content into visuals that look expensive, without spending a night figuring out what to make.”
Every before and after here is a real member sentence from the Saturday Offer Audit and my real reply. No names. The $147 is a member's own price, not mine.
A good sentence only works if the offer behind it is built the same way: for her, around what she walks away with. The Offer Edit is eighteen lessons on the offer itself, inside the Skool classroom.
Open The Offer EditYou're not short on content. You're short on a place to put it. Twenty-two modules turn what you've already made into a website and blog on a domain you own, with your offer routed from every article.
In 3 days I had a beautiful website/blog set up and everything connected and looks way better than the word press site would have looked.
Every Saturday I rewrite members' sentences in the comments, one at a time, with the actual new line. Standard is also the build curriculum laid out in the order I'd do it again: offer first, funnel second, automation third, audience last.
Start Membership StandardThe rules the tool runs on
The format, the price and the bonus list go underneath.
xoxo, Jodie
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